Why Do I Cling to Christ?

I ended the last post with the question whether we can have purpose when all is stripped away. When it is down to just God and us. That presumes we actually have some form of faith. What if we don't? Is it any of this even real?

Is this Even Real?

There are moments when I think to myself, “honestly, it all does sound a little ridiculous”, but my doubts are rarely about God’s existence. For some reason, I always knew there was a God. One of my earliest memories is my declaration with all the wisdom of a three-year old: “I know God exists, but I don’t believe in him.” So, my doubts about God can be better summarized with “what the heck, why that now?”

When Faith Works

There are those days, when it feels like I am ready to take on the world. On these days, God is great. The sun is shining, things do not bother me that much, they may even go according to plan, people are nice, and I am really looking forward to whatever I need to do that day. That’s when I do feel like a true child of almighty God. 
And yet, courage without humility drowns out Christ’s presence. When things go well, there seems to be a human assumption they go well because of us. We certainly play a part. I cannot claim any success if I don’t leave the house. Still, regardless of whether we believe in a divine intervention or just luck, we don’t know which apparently random things or developments we were not even aware of contributed to “our” success. 

When Faith Doesn't Work

There are also days when I despair. I find myself riddled with self-doubt, performance anxiety and even depressed and/or downright scared. There is no purpose. These are the days when I need to look up the meaning of “confidence” in the dictionary. My own temptation is retreat and isolation. 
I just fail to see opportunity in the face of adversity as they say. Instead, I am utterly overwhelmed by my inadequacies. Previously more so than now, I got angry at everyone, myself and probably God included (though I would not dare admit to that), because how on earth can there be any purpose when we feel ill-prepared, not ready, weak or all of the above? Fear without hope drowns out the presence of God. I still enter into this modus operandi, but I have become better able to admit to myself the funk I am in, including anger with God. 

When Sh*&^%t Hits the Fan

What I still don’t understand is that it’s in these dark places where I found God already waiting for me. He doesn’t say very much there. He is just there. And where I find him, fear retreats. Not the challenge but fear. As fear retreats, hope can enter and with hope strength to take a first step again. That’s why I cling to Christ but it is a choice I need to make every day and in every situation. Perhaps I am not thinking more deeply and don't see any alternatives. Actually, that is the point. I don't see an alternative, meaning sometimes I choose out of habit. I just have found trying on my own is not the best choice for me. Is it the easier choice? Perhaps not. Then again, I have never found life to be easy.

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